There’s a version of my story where I disappear. Where the divorce breaks me and I check out. Where I become just another weekend dad who slowly fades from the picture. That version almost happened.
The Night Everything Changed
Divorce was absolutely the last thing I ever wanted for my family. I didn’t want it and didn’t see it coming at all. I genuinely believe that if I would have been offered to have a limb surgically removed in order to keep my family together, I would have done it.
Needless to say, when the kids’ mom decided she wanted a different life, I was absolutely crushed. Overnight I went from reading Boxcar Children to my kiddos every night, tucking them in, cuddling them and saying their prayers — to having to send them off with a mom who had changed everything nearly overnight.
When the kids would come home they would tell me what mom was saying about me. I was sick to my stomach. I wanted to tell them she was wrong. But they were 3, 5, and 7 at the time, and I knew more than anything that they needed a rock far more than they needed to sift through which parent was being truthful.
When they’d say “Dad, mom said you did this. Is that true?” I’d say “Well, what do you think? Have you ever seen your dad behave that way?” I wanted them to decide for themselves. And guess what — they did.
The PFA Order
One night I was bringing my kiddos home from Awana’s at church. As I pulled into the driveway, a police car pulled up behind us and ordered me out of the vehicle and into the back of the police car. My kiddos were so scared. I told them they would be safe and to just go with their mom.
As they walked up the drive and I walked down the drive toward the police car, the new guy stepped out from behind the door to watch.
It was by far the most helpless feeling I’d had to that point. I couldn’t go home for 45 days. I couldn’t go within a hundred feet of my wife or children. I had nothing but the clothes on my back that cold rainy October night.
So I Built a Website
One thing was overwhelmingly clear: when the kids were with her, they had unfettered access to the internet. She wouldn’t let them call me. She instructed sitters to keep me off limits. I got my oldest a cell phone so he could always reach dad — and the next time I saw Noah, he said “Daddy, mom threw my cell phone in the toilet.”
My perspective was that dads don’t get days off. So if they had access to the internet, they would always be able to connect with their dad.
I bought a domain: noahlizzyisaac.com. I figured out how to create a basic site on Wix and began writing to them every day. I put up pictures of what Gracie (our family dog) and I were doing. I shared what I was grilling for dinner. I made videos for them nearly daily. I even put a little chat widget on the site so they could chat with me if needed.
It wasn’t the greatest site. Far from it. But it didn’t need to be designed well. It just needed to let the kiddos know that no matter where they were or what they were doing, dad was always there.
Don’t Give Up on Your Kids
I can’t tell you how many parents I’ve met who hit rough times and say things like “But she won’t let me see the kids.” In my opinion, that’s a cop-out. Find a way. Get creative. Put up a billboard if you have to.
If you don’t show up, the other spouse will write the story for you — and it won’t be pretty. Your kids will grow up thinking you bailed on them. Don’t give them the ammunition to decide that.
Show up for your kiddos. Every chance you can. Send letters. Buy ads on Facebook and blast them out. There are all kinds of ways to connect in this day and age. Don’t just give up.
Now that the kids are older, I don’t use the site like I used to. But it’s still up and still active. I figure one of these days I’m going to cease to exist physically in their world. But there will always be a place they can go to get words of wisdom from dad.
This is part of a bigger story. Read how I became a father of three or learn about the difference between surviving and leading.
Don’t give up. Start leading your family on purpose →