When I talk about building an intentional family, people usually ask the same question: “Where do I even start?”
My answer? Start with values.
Not the kind you hang on the wall and forget about. The kind that actually shape how your family makes decisions, resolves conflict, and shows up for each other every day.
Why Values Before Rules
Most parents jump straight to rules. Don’t hit your sister. Clean your room. Be home by ten.
Rules tell your kids what to do. Values tell them who to be.
When I built the Langhofer Family Handbook, values came right after our mission statement. Because values are the bridge between knowing your purpose and living it.
How We Defined Ours
Here’s what I did — and what I recommend for every family:
- Write down what matters most to you. Not what sounds good — what you actually want your family to be known for.
- Ask your kids. Even young kids can tell you what they think is important. Their answers might surprise you.
- Keep it short. Three to five values max. If you can’t remember them, your kids won’t either.
- Define each one in your own words. “Respect” means something different in every home. Spell out what it means in yours.
- Post them. Say them. Live them. Values only work if they’re in the air your family breathes.
Our Core Values
The Langhofer family core values were:
- Faith — We lead with our relationship with God.
- Respect — We treat people the way we want to be treated.
- Education — We are lifelong learners who pursue growth.
- Work Ethic — We do hard things and finish what we start.
- Service — We add value to others and give back.
Were these always easy to live? No. Did we mess up? Constantly. But having them written down gave us something to come back to when things got hard.
Once you’ve defined your values, the next step is turning them into daily expectations — a code of conduct your family will actually follow. That’s where the rubber meets the road.
You can also read the full story of how this all started: How One Document Changed the Entire Direction of My Home.
Ready to define your family’s values? Family Pillars can help →